Every Easter, the my church’s YG does a 30 hour fast (Friday 12:00 – Saturday 18:00) while doing community service. I ate a very sugary brunch before the fast and suffered the consequences later that night. It was about 10 hours into the fast and I was going delirious. Gamgee was preaching and recounting the death of Jesus.
And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, “You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way. – Matthew 27:39-44
I started wondering why Jesus didn’t just bust himself off that cross. I could imagine Jesus’s tempted to respond to them and be like:
(If you know me, you know that I love to break out in song, especially when I’m not thinking straight). The image of that derailed me and kept me really unfocused in my prayers during prayer time.
An empty stomach and a hard surface made it really difficult to sleep Friday night, so my mind began to wander. I revisited a few unanswered question that I had during my non-christian years:
- Why didn’t Jesus just take himself off from the cross?
- Why did he suffer for ~3 hours? Couldn’t he have let go of his life the moment he was nailed to cross?
- I know that God is love. But why does He love us?
As I started tumbling down the tunnel of doubt, the Lord countered my questions with one of His own:
“Do you believe that I love you?”
Instinctively, I wanted to retort, “Of course, you know I already do.” But as I began to voice them aloud, the words froze in my throat: both He and I knew how little conviction those words had.
He asked me again, “Do you believe that I love you?”
This time, I was slow to respond. The truth is, I already knew the answer, but how do you tell the Lord of the Universe (even after you professed and sang His love in front of many witnesses) that you doubt His love?
He knows me too well. Instead of leaving me high and dry, He hit me with a zinger:
“Don’t believe me? Just watch”
Well played, that was smooth(er than a fresh jar of SKIPPY). First, I just realized that was one of the few times I knew for sure that the voice inside my head was from God. There was no flashes of lightning or rolls of thunder, but there was a sense of assurance; a peace that granted me the first night of sound sleep in a while. The joy from that moment was enough to sustain me for the rest of the fast and I was able to spill some of it to the special needs kids I worked with the next day.
A great part of that laughter was laughing at my own foolishness. He revealed to me how I’m such a needy and selfish lover. Even after all He has done for me and is doing for me, I’m often discontent and wanting even more. Instead of condemning me and letting me beat myself up in shame and guilt, He showers me with even more love and grace.
I know that this isn’t going to be the last time I’m going to doubt His love, but I also know that this isn’t the last time He finds a way to WOW me with a display of his love.
(x4)
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philiippians 4:7
A Lifelong Marathon 